The Nazgûl Trainer
by A.Katz Omnipotent King
Summary: An evil elf, Tangado, follows the fellowship and plots their demise via the Nazgûl. Unfortunately, nothing ever seems to work as planned.
1. Tangado, unleash the evil

Tangado, unleash the evil.  
  
Summary: The evil elf, Tangado, follows the fellowship and plots their demise via the Nazgûl. Unfortunately, nothing ever seems to work as planned.  
  
Who is Tangado? Tangado is an elf gone horribly wrong. He was born and raised in Rivendell, but was kicked out five hundred years ago after a failed attempt to assassinate Lord Elrond. Now he resides in Mordor where he has become a famous Nazgûl trainer. He is also the inventor of Uruk-pie, which is very popular with the baddies.  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
Tangado, dark elf and Nazgûl trainer extraordinaire, winner of the 2510 evil minion award was on a mission. A mission to rid the world of Elrond Peredhil once and for all...again. Tangado frowned as he remembered his previous attempts to do away with the lord of Imladris. They had all ended in disaster. Usually the guards would catch him at the entrance, beat him up a bit, then fire arrows at him until he was forced to retreat. Not this time though. Oh no, his plan could not fail. Apparently Elrond was holding a secret council soon, and Tangado would be there, hiding in the shadows, watching the lord's every move. Then, when he least expects it....  
  
"Ouch!" screeched on of the Nazgûl. "You didn't have to hit me!"  
  
"Oh yes I did," said another, "You touched my winged beast! You must suffer!" There was a sound of something breaking, a loud scream, something else breaking, an animal roar and the swoosh of a cloak. Tangado sighed heavily before rising and wandering in the direction of the noises.  
  
The hallways of Minas Morgul were dark and haunted, full of spider webs and bugs. The elf, however, was quite used to it by now, having lived in this tower for at least four hundred years. All those years ago the dark lord Sauron, may his evilness prosper, had insured the care and training of his nine Nazgûl to Tangado. In exchange for his services, the elf became an honored citizen of Mordor and respected lord of evilness. Though he absolutely loved the attention, these Nazgûl were starting to wear on him.  
  
Tangado arrived at the room that Nazgûl 5 and 6 (Larry and Barry) were sharing. He glared at the locked door for a second before giving it a good solid kick.  
  
"Larry and Barry! You two get your sorry worthless hides out here now or you're on kitchen duty for a month! Don't think I'm lying." And then, as an afterthought, he added, "I'll tell Mary you fancy her."  
  
At this the door burst open, knocking Tangado in the head and onto the ground. From there he growled viciously up at Larry who was looking around in panic. When he noticed his Elven master sprawled on the floor, he squeaked, and pulled Tangado to his feet, blurting out hasty apologies.  
  
"I'm so sorry sir," it said, "but if Mary ever found out..."  
  
Mary, along with Cary, Arry, and Fairy were the female Nazgûl. That was not always the case, though. It'd taken a lot of hard work and experimenting, but Tangado has finally managed to change the gender of four of the Ringwraiths in a slim hope that they might reproduce or something.  
  
The trainer glowered up at his trainee before stalking away angrily, forgetting the reason he had come to see the pesky minion in the first place. There were more important things to worry about such as arriving in Imladris before the council. Tangado screamed in frustration and punched the rock wall. That only made him scream louder.  
  
Sucking his bleeding knuckles the elf, now realizing this was the safer thing to do, raged inwardly, cursing his luck. The only way to cover the many leagues distance to his former home in time would be to ride the Nazgûl's winged beasts. Tangado had a terrible fear of heights.  
  
One of the Úlairi sneaked silently into his trainer's room, trying to keep a low profile until the master cooled down a bit. This didn't work, and Tangado spun around sharply to face the cursed thing, his dark eyes flaming.  
  
"What is it you filthy, disgusting slime ball? Can't you see I'm busy?" he spat while brushing his long, black bangs from his eyes.  
  
The Nazgûl hissed slightly at the insult, but kept it's emotions under control. "Yes sir, forgive me but we have calculated that if we leave tomorrow morning and fly the winged beasts nonstop we can arrive at Imladris in a couple weeks."  
  
"Nonstop? Maybe you can go nonstop but I have needs, creature. Now, unless you play on lugging around a chamber pot in the sky I think you're going to have to go back to the common room and figure how long it will take *with* rests. Now get out of my room before I catch a disease."  
  
The Nazgûl, who Tangado recognized as Scary, glided out the room, muttering about the unfairness of it all. Sometimes the elf wished he had never accepted this job.  
  
After Scary slammed the door behind him, the trainer sat heavily on his bed, and wondered what the other five Nazgûl were up to. A while ago Lord Sauron figured out where his missing ring was. His eyeballness had insisted that the elf send out the ringwraiths to retrieve it. So Tangado had complied, privately frustrated that he'd have nothing to do for weeks.  
  
Sometime recently, however, four of Úlairi had returned, chagrined and embarrassed. They refused to explain what had happened and Tangado hadn't pushed them for information about the others. He was sure the Witch King could take care of the females.  
  
That night, Tangado slept pleasantly, dreaming about the various ways to exterminate Elrond.  
  
~~~  
  
According to an orc scout, a new day had dawned, though no one was really sure if it was true or not. It was a gloomy day and looked like rain. Eruchîn Súrion surveyed the sky thoughtfully, and then turned his gaze to the great tower before him. He had only been to Minas Morgul twice before, both times under the insistence of his old friend Tangado. This time though nobody had invited the wandering elf. Nope, he had decided to surprise his good friend with a visit.  
  
Eruchîn approached the front gate nonchalantly, fingering the bottle of elvish wine longingly. It had been hard traveling weeks in the presence of such an alluring thing and he was eager to taste it. The elf was about to knock on the door when he caught sight of a small piece of parchment nailed to the gate. It was a note, written in common. It read:  
  
To Whom It May Concern:  
  
If you are here searching for Tangado or a Nazgûl go away. None of us are here at the moment, but we should be back in a few months. If you have an important message for me or one of my pupils go find one of the orcs for parchment and a quill. If you have just come to pay a friendly visit then consult an orc. It will let you in. There's Uruk-pie and lembas on the counter.  
  
-Tangado  
  
Eruchîn shrugged, and went off in search of an orc. He could go for some wine and Uruk-pie.  
  
Meanwhile, concealed among dark clouds, five winged beasts flew northwest towards the fair city of Imladris with murderous intent. 


	2. Why does everything always go wrong?

Disclaimer: I do not own anything Lord of the Rings, but I do own Tangado and Eruchîn! A couple lines are taken directly from the book and movie. This story is, so far, a mixture of the two.  
  
...*(words)....* means Boromir is imagining this is being said.  
  
~~~  
  
"That was nigh on thirty years ago. For a while we had news and it seemed good: messengers reported that Moria had been entered and a great work had begun there. Then there was silence...*because everyone fell dead from boredom after listening to my endless, horrible droning! Bla, Bla, Bla, buzz, hmm, bla...*  
  
Boromir, Son of Denethor steward of Gondor, attendee of the secret council of Elrond, tried to keep himself from falling asleep and disgracing himself along with his country. True that the council had just begun, but there had been an enormous welcoming feast before hand. Boromir had never been so dreadfully bored around food before! He had, to keep himself occupied, taken it upon himself to replace other's words with words of his own.  
  
"At this we were greatly troubled," said Glóin, "and we gave...*offerings to the Earthworm who is like a father to us! It was so pleased that it vanquished the herd of giant demented sheep from our caves and the people rejoiced! Yay...*  
  
Boromir snickered slightly at the thought, but unfortunately for him elves have excellent hearing.  
  
"Do you find this matter amusing, Boromir of Gondor?" Elrond asked, eyeing the man disapprovingly. "Is there something entertaining about Master Glóin's dilemma? ...*does this dress make me look fat?...*  
  
Boromir smiled faintly, but shook his head and apologized for his rudeness. One of the elves from Mirkwood covered his mouth to keep himself from laughing. Wait. There was something strange about this elf. Something that gave him the chills; a feeling he only seemed to experience around fell beasts as orcs. He noticed that Elrond was also eyeing the elf suspiciously. 'Oh well,' Boromir thought, 'I just being paranoid. Elves aren't evil, right? Of coarse not. Well, maybe that blond one next to Gandalf. He looks a bit like a vampire.'  
  
The man of Gondor began daydreaming about vampires and other ancient creatures until it was his turn to speak for the council. He spoke until his voice was hoarse. After failing to get his point across, Boromir sat back in his chair and began a new dream of a nice, cozy bed...  
  
"I will take the ring to Mordor," yelled the small Hobbit Frodo, snapping Boromir from his reverie. Only then did the man realize that the whole council was on it's feet, shouting and arguing. "But I do not know the way," Frodo added.  
  
"Are you sure?" asked the mysterious elf. "You know, I can take it to Mordor for you. And I ^do^ know the way."  
  
Elrond raised an eyebrow at the elf and asked, "What, may I ask, is your name?" The elf's eye twitched slightly, a gesture missed by all save the lord of Imladris.  
  
"My name is Tanga---aaah, I mean Eruchîn."  
  
This time Elrond raised both eyebrows. "Eruchîn Súrion?"  
  
The elf's eyes widened and he shook his head vigorously. "No! No, Eruchîn...Greenleaf!" he blurted, causing Legolas, son of Thranduil to jump a little. Elrond groaned loudly.  
  
"How in the name of Elbereth did you slip your way into my council, Tangado Beriaith!" The elf lord demanded more than questioned, his face a mask of rage.  
  
Boromir watched as the elf known as Tangado completely lost his calm demeanor and began verbally attacking Elrond. The other council members stared at the two elves in shock while Glorfindel slipped away without anyone noticing.  
  
"Why shouldn't I be allowed in your puny, maggoty council? This is my home too and I'm an important elf now! I should get a say in what happens to that ring, you (elvish curse), and this time you are not going to throw me out like the trash! This time you will cower before the almighty me! This time you will die!" Tangado leaped at Elrond and tackled him to the floor, attempting to strangle the life out of him. A second later five armored elves flew into the council and lunged at the insane elf, trying to peel him off their downed Lord. Tangado bit one of them hard enough to draw blood before they could pull him off completely. "This is not done yet, Peredhil!" Tangado screamed, "This will never be over! Mark my words, you ^will^ be sorry you banished me!"  
  
The guards began dragging the elf, who was cursing quite colorfully in Quenyan, in the direction of the mansion. Elrond rose and attempted to dust himself off. By now most of the council members were staring wide eyed and open mouthed at their host.  
  
"So," Elrond said, "Who was it that wished to travel to Mordor?"  
  
Boromir felt a sudden urge to use the bathroom.  
  
~~~  
  
Tangado paced restlessly in his cell, occasionally banging his head against the cold rock walls. How could his plan have failed so miserably? It was even worse than the last time he had made it past the guards into the mansion.  
  
***Flashback***  
  
'Dresses are uncomfortable,' Tangado thought idly, shifting around awkwardly in the unfamiliar outfit. 'How do women wear these everyday? Oh well. It's the only way I can get close enough to Elrond!' With that thought in mind, the disguised elf fixed his long, womanly wig, and adjusted his stuffed, womanly bra, wincing slightly in embarrassment. If anyone in Mordor ever found out about this he would be laughed at forever.  
  
Tangado quickly exited the woman's powder room. Outside his 'escort' was waiting.  
  
"Come on beautiful," said Eruchîn, winking. "You don't want to miss the dancing, do you?"  
  
"Shut up," the evil elf hissed. Eruchîn cackled gleefully, but stopped talking. He led him to the main room where couples were ballroom dancing together.  
  
"This is your chance, Tanga, go get him!" The she-elf impersonator nodded, before rushing towards the dining table where Lord Elrond was sitting with a few other lone elves.  
  
"Excuse me, my Lord," Tangado said in what he hoped was a feminine voice. "Would you care to dance with me?" He asked, batting his eyelashes in a most humorous way.  
  
"How about you dance with me?" Asked one of the other male elves.  
  
"No, I wish to dance with Elrond, thank you." Tangado said, glaring frostily at the elf.  
  
"Excuse me, My Lady," interrupted Elrond, "but your hair seems to falling off."  
  
At this Tangado quickly placed his hands over his head, fixing the wig back in place. He nodded his head in satisfaction, causing the wig to fall completely from his head. The poor elf stared at it in horror.  
  
"By the Valar, is that Tangado?" Elrond looked at him in disbelief. Tangado turned beet red before turning tail and running, loosing his high heels while several handkerchiefs were dislodged from his bra.  
  
"You may have won this time, Peredhil, but I'll be back!" He yelled just as he exited the hall. The whole table exploded in laughter.  
  
"Hey Tanga, you forgot your hair!" One of the guards shouted back.  
  
***End flashback***  
  
The Nazgûl trainer shuddered; that was one memory he wished to forget! Suddenly he heard footsteps approaching his cell; very light footsteps that only another elf could detect. Tangado hoped it wasn't Elrond. That would really just make his day. 


End file.
